Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Pissed off, bitter girl!

So it happens with us once in a while that we feel lost, helpless and bound by all our mistakes and bad decisions. Its ironic to call ones mistakes bad decisions because I've come to believe that we actually have a mechanism inside us that keeps giving these warning signals all the time that something's not meant to be..

The question is that why do we choose to ignore these signals, why do we ignore our instincts, why do we put ourselves through the misery and then cry most of our life about it later?

We make or break ourselves and yes, we make bad decisions all the time. Its just that some have a huge affect on us than the other... e.g Opting out of taking admission into a college maybe acceptable but marrying a person who you felt deep inside was wrong for you, marrying someone without thinking to realise in no time he's a psycho is so wrong at so many levels.

Yes I wish I had not made the mistakes I did but I am human.. I don't have a time machine to clean up my mess but I'm sure you out there also don't have it..

The hardest thing for me is that I can't come to forgive myself for putting me through this. Knowing yet ignoring the signals is something I can't even ask God why me.. God obviously gave me all the warning signals for me to stay away from trouble..so my why me is aimed at me only.

Why did not ignore these signals? I thought of myself as an someone who had things figured.. I definitely sis not do people any wrong. You know what my mistake was...? .. I was running after a mirage and when reality struck me,  I fell hard.

People learn from their mistakes and I seem to be making mistakes after another. Can you imagine what confidence would be left in me after all those mistakes? Can you imagine that on a bad day, how I would face myself?

The worst thing in this world is to let yourself down. One can lie to people that their life is fine but they cannot life to themselves.

Yes, my life is so far away from what I wanted it to be. I got all the things I wanted in my life but all those things are bad choices! Its taken me a while to come to terms with it and I know I faltered so many places... I let myself down.. I did not value myself.. but then I realized that I need to say NO!

I apologize to myself now and then for all the pain I've gone through, but I can't seem to forgive forgive myself.

I've stopped wanting anything now because of the fear that what I want may not be right for me.... Right now I want only one thing: to zip past the aftermath of my bad choices some true so that I can live the life I so deserve... and yes, I know for sure that I deserve a lot better and a lot good in this life.

I have aspirations and I will achieve them and I sincerely apologize to myself and promise I shall never let myself be in a life altering, bad situation ever again.

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